DOOMWATCH 2008: Special Edition
Fuck Planet Earth By Max Goldberg
Death waits you! You have made a covenant with death, and with Hell you are in agreement. You’re all going to die! Don’t you realize? Can’t you see? You’re all going to die! Death awaits you all! — Reverend Otto Witt in Zulu
As part of our continuing series, “Science Made Stupid,” we begin this week with a global wrap-up of various portents of DOOM! These items, all from within the last week, are brought to us by the benign and blessed boffins of science.
DOOM FROM NEAR-EARTH ORBIT! Asteroid zips past Earth, but satellite is expected to hit “Space scientists and government officials are tracking two massive objects that are hurtling toward Earth, but only one, a dead satellite the size of a bus, is expected to hit somewhere on the globe.”
DOOM FROM OUTER SPACE! Alien Impact Poisons Canadian Town
DOOM FROM OUTER-OUTER SPACE! Extragalactic meteor spotted over Russia
DRY DOOM FROM THE DEEP! The Ocean’s Biological Deserts Are Expanding
YET MORE DOOM FROM THE DEEP! New Fault Found in Europe; May "Close Up" Adriatic Sea
ATOMIC DOOM! Drought could force nuclear shutdowns
THE “NO PROBLEM. WE’VE DONE THIS THOUSANDS OF TIMES” DOOM! Journey to the centre of the earth “One thing that occurs to me is that smashing things into each other at the speed of light might not be an entirely safe thing to do. Could there not be, as some have already suggested, a very big explosion? Might Switzerland disappear into a black hole? The answer is: almost certainly not.”
WOE AM US. MAN HAS DONE THE DOOM-DAH-DOOM-DOOM! Scarred Earth to enter the ‘Anthopocene Epoch’ You know, if we’d all just kill ourselves the Earth could get back its original unblemished complexion.
But then again, maybe it is not all our fault. Maybe it is the fault of ….
DOOM GERMS! Natural Gas Formation By Bacteria Linked To Climate Change And Renewable Energy So perhaps we’re off the hook as Doom-Masters of the Universe after all. Perhaps the burning question about global warming might well be, “What farted?”
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