FINALLY, A USEFUL INVENTION! United States Patent Application: 0060014125
“This invention is a training system that enables a human being to acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors…. It is the object of this invention to create a training system that allows a person to develop the ability to walk around out of dimension, passing through solid objects. This invention is based on one of the most remarkable relationships between the water molecule and the boundary between space and hyperspace. The mass of the water molecule is equal to the energy of the water molecule at this boundary. Because the body is composed of 67% water, the body sits on the boundary such that any additional increase in energy would move the body out of dimension into hyperspace.” Just the thing for… [See item below].
DUDE. Marijuana Withdrawal As Bad As Withdrawal From Cigarettes Show me a stoner who smokes 20 joints a day and I’ll not only show you a withdrawal problem, I’ll show you a problem with getting off the couch. Unless, of course, he discovers on his body… [See item below].
YOU ARE LUNCH! “The Human Bot Fly lays its eggs on a horsefly or a mosquito, something that will attempt to land on a human. This carrier finds a human and lands on him or her. The eggs rub off onto the human, whose body heat hatches the eggs. The larvae drop onto the skin and burrow right the fuck in. Where they live. Under your skin. Eating.” — The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World | Cracked.com [HT: Morgan]
LAUDED CHINA skull find “far from the greatest” Absolutely. As everyone knows Ali was the greatest,
THE WUSS STUFF: Astronauts exmined for drinking… Only drunk the day before… What gives with all this harping on astronauts drinking. Is MADD planning on going into outer space with breathylizers? If they we’re gonna strap me on that much fuel and light it, I’d demand a couple of Tequila shooters. What wimps we’ve become. I don’t recall that astronauts ACTUALLY get to take the wheel and drive the Space Shuttle up the gravity well.
IN OTHER NASA NEWS, Boris Karloff is in the house! Nanotech: NASA Wants To Slice Your Brain With Nanoknife
QUALITY control mechanism tags defective sperm cells inside the body — replacing previous mechanism known as “The Vagina.”
THE “NO SHIT SHERLOCK” AWARDS announces a four-way tie!
YOUR DAILY “Dose-O-Doom!”® First the global freezing, then the ozone hole, then the alar scare, then the warming, then the comet strike, then the supernova explosions, then Rogue Black Holes Roam Milky Way, then the Massive Gas Cloud Speeding Toward Collision With Milky Way, then Troublemaking Solar Cycle Kicks Off, then Only science can save us from climate catastrophe (Translation: “Worship us like gods or we will let you all die!”), and now, now this, the FINAL INSULT! → Earth’s getting ‘soft’ in the middle….I tell you if this keeps up, sooner or later every single person alive on the Earth today is going to be dead, dead, dead!
“Give me a condor’s quill! Give me Vesuvius’ crater for an inkstand! Friends, hold my arms!For in the mere act of penning my thoughts of this Leviathan,they weary me, and make me faint with their outreaching comprehensiveness of sweep, as if to include the whole circleof the sciences, and all the generations of whales, and men,and mastodons, past, present, and to come, with all the revolving panoramas of empire on earth, and throughout the whole universe,not excluding its suburbs.Such, and so magnifying, is the virtue of a large and liberal theme! We expand to its bulk. To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea,though many there be who have tried it.” — “On Leviathan” Herman Melville
- DOOMWATCH 2008: Special Edition
- Stoners, Human Bot Flies, and Walking Through Walls
- Flea Writing
- The Indiscreet Charm of the Howler Monkey: “Can you hear me now?”
- Itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny Bigfoot discovered on Mars!
- Wow! Toxins Sucked Out of Your Feet!
- Pethouse: Pimp My Monkey
- New Menu Item @ The Endangered Species Restaurant
- Chocolate Bugs and Giant Space Cockroaches
- Rage Against the Machine
- If Sewage Crisis Then Inject Brain with Marijuana
- Bisexual Global Warming Threatens China